Tonight I've decided to give you a message that comes out of frustration. I'm working on another post which I was looking to put up today however as you've already noticed that didn't happen. At times I have a really hard time trying to put a simple thought together and today was one of those days I decided to give it a break and maybe return to it tomorrow. When I went back to edit it, I realized that I was having a really bad time writing what I wanted to say. So as I was writing, it became more and more evident that I needed to take a break. After about the fourth time writing the post I finally took that break!!
So why was this happening do you ask? Well there are a couple of reasons this was happening. It's a combination of the medications that I take on a daily basis combined with the CRPS. When I have bad flare ups they to can cause a lot of fogginess in my head making it hard to concentrate. Yesterday was a bad day as well however things seem to have gotten worse today. It can be really frustrating for not only myself, but for my wife as well because she has to put up with me on those days.
I remember one day last summer when I was playing a game of scrabble with my wife during one of my episodes and I could swear by the end of the game that she was ready to kill me. At first I couldn't understand why she was so mad, only to find out later that I was taking 20 min to make three letter words like dog or cat!! OK! OK! Maybe she had good reason to be upset!!
It's just a part of what I have to go through day in and day out in order to have some form of relief from the pain. So there really isn't much of a choice if I want to be in some comfort. It takes a couple of days for things to settle and then I'll be OK. It's just that at times it can feel so debilitating, and I get so frustrated when I can't control my own brain. Even simple things like reading a book become difficult because I lose my concentration in a moment.
The hardest part about when these episodes occur is trying to learn to tell myself when to slow down, and not to get frustrated with myself. That's a very hard thing to do seeing as these are simple day to day functions. However on some occasions it's harder to do than on others. Particularly if I'm having a really bad day with pain it all becomes too much to take. I can concentrate on my relaxation techniques but there are times where that makes things even worse.
The other reason that I get this way is because of the CRPS itself. There are real off days!! Today just happens to be one of those really bad off days! My pain isn't what's over the top, it's my head and my nerves that are causing some real problems today. I've had that feeling of being on edge all day, which becomes really exhausting and takes every last ounce of energy from me.
I really hate days like today because they are unlike other days where I wake up knowing that I'm going to be having a rough day. On days like today symptoms come on really fast, making them hard to control. As a result I don't do as good a job in controlling them.
So for tonight I will say goodnight and I pray that tomorrow brings a better day so that I can post the message that I'm working on.