Have you ever felt like you have a giant dark cloud following you? Well that seems to be what's happening right now. The other night my youngest daughter decided that she was going to close her bedroom door on the hand that I have CRPS in!! I know she didn't really mean to hurt me, and she really upset that she had hurt her daddy. So as you can imagine my pain is at an all time high and I really need some relief! It just seems like I can't catch a break. One thing seems to happen after another and quite frankly I'm tired of it. Anytime things want to stop happening they can. It's time for something good to happen to me. I just have to call on God for an intervention!!! The way I see it I have no choice but to see it as yet another test of my faith.
I started to look back today at all the times that my faith has been tested through all this, and I wanted to reflect on a few of the amazing ways in which God has been there when I've needed Him the most. I can remember feeling a whole host of emotions when this whole thing started. I remember feeling scared and angry, and like things were spinning out of control. I was trying to figure out what was happening, and why it was happening to me. There was a point at the beginning where I was angry because nobody could give me any answers. Deep down inside I knew that there had to be some answers!
What I found I needed to do was put more of my faith and trust into God. I started to realize that this whole thing was so much bigger than what I could handle on my own. I needed to ask for God's help and guidance to get through this. He started to help me deal with some of the anger and frustration that was building up inside. God challenged me not to be angry but to try to understand, learn, and grow from what was happening. At the start I was also filled with all kinds of different fears. There was not knowing if I would get the use of my limbs back, to how I was going to be able to pay my bills, and how we would survive financially. Again I found myself having to put complete faith in Him and trust that He would provide for me in these areas. Once again there have been challenges along the way.
There was no better example of this than when we were adopting our second child Katelyn. We were stretched to the max financially, and didn't know where all the money would come from that we needed. One day the doorbell rang and it was a courier from UPS. We weren't expecting anything, so I have to say that I was interested in what it may be. The courier then proceeded to hand me an envelope. Upon opening it were two checks and a note that said to use the money for whatever we needed to and that God loves us!! I was beside myself trying to understand what had just happened. Along the way there have been all kinds of financial stresses similar to this. However we've remained strong in trusting that God will provide financially and so far He has.
God is still working on the physical side of things, and I need to have faith that He will restore use to my limbs again. So although I may not have the physical use of those limbs the way I'd like He has removed any fear that I was dealing with and challenged me to wage a war. Do I have days of doubt? Yes! Do I have days where I just want to give up and stop trying? Yes! It hasn't been all easy and I'm still struggling at times. Do I lose faith? No! Do I stop trying? No! These are two things that God has given me to stay strong and to keep fighting.
As time has gone by there is a new confidence that God has placed within me. This has been huge because as things have been thrown at me I have been able to handle them better. Does this mean that things are perfect? No! It means however that I take things on with God fighting the battle for me, not trying to do everything on my own. We often have a hard time placing things into other peoples hands. What you need to realize though is that this is God's hands! Nothing is to big for God! That's why I can laugh at the big dark cloud that seems to follow me around, because God is right there with me.